Re: The Mike O'Meara Show
Posted by:
G Man
()
Date: January 25, 2018 12:37AM
Conversational Curry Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Listen: I was fooling around with my wife last
> night. I noticed she hadn't shaved her pits in a
> while. As I gently began tickling the stubble, she
> jokingly called it her "pepper."
>
> Post-coitus, our discussion turned - as it often
> does - to Gallagher. Her earlier pepper comment
> got me thinking of using G's comedy and jokes as
> conversational spices: accents, flavor, and
> piquancy that one could add to "pepper" daily
> conversion to amuse and instruct. Kind of like
> sprinkling a small airline-size packet of
> erudition across your dialogue.
>
> And sadly, one is probably going to be unable to
> recite "Cupid Pits LoverBoy Versus the Earth"
> (https://www.gallaghersmash.com/cupid-pits-loverbo
> y-versus-earth) while ordering a burger in a
> drive-through, or while paying at a tollbooth -
> but you certainly have time to drop a casual
> Gallagherian witticism in those situations.
>
> Towards that end, I've put together a list of some
> succinct G-man nuggets below. You all know them,
> sure, but here they are in one place for easy
> use.
>
> Enjoy, and spice up your life.
>
> 1. Living in California is like living in a bowl
> of granola; what ain't fruits or nuts, is flakes.
>
> 2. If your knees bent the other way, what would a
> chair look like?
>
> 3. Women wear a pair of panties but only one bra.
>
> 4. I found out why God made babies cute. It's so
> you don't kill them.
>
> 5. Why are they called apartments when they're all
> stuck together?
>
> 6. 'I before E except after C?' Americans don't
> want to learn that! They just sort of make an 'I'
> looking 'E' and an 'E' looking 'I' then put the
> dot, right there in the middle!
>
> 7. If you water it and it dies, it's a plant. If
> you pull it out and it grows back, it's a weed.
>
> 8. I don't know why they say "you have a baby."
> The baby has you.
>
> 9. Our alphabet is based on some kind of a
> bookkeeper's code to keep the Jews' and the
> Egyptians' noses out of the Phoenician cattle
> business!
>
> 10. Why do they call them cowboys? Cows is girls;
> bulls is boys. They should call them 'cowgirls'
> and 'bullboys.'
>
> 11. Iced tea in the wintertime! Why not? 'Cause
> it's fucking dumb, that's why not!
>
> 12. People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the
> more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody
> shows up.
>
> 13. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the
> opposite of congress?
>
> 14. Frankie Valli sings 'Walk Like A Man, Talk
> Like A Man'... sings it like a woman!
>
> 15. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a
> year, why are there locks on the doors?
>
> 16. Well, see, babies are born with new eyes. They
> look at the world with new eyes and you begin to
> see things, too, through their eyes. I had a
> problem with her with toilet trainin' and I don't
> blame her a bit. Cause first I showed her you
> can't hit your cup on the coffee table. Then I
> showed her you can't eat on the couch. Then here
> was this chair you could shit in.
>
> 17. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get
> one?
>
> 18. Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when
> smoking is prohibited there?
>
> 19. Why do they put the little "on/off" words on a
> light switch? If the light's on, you can see that
> it's on. If the light's off, it's too dark to see
> the words on the switch.
>
> 20. When yogurt goes bad, how can you tell?
>
> 21. Why do they call 'em 'buildings' when they're
> done building 'em? They ought to be called
> 'builts.' Or, 'crumblings.' 'I live in that
> crumbling over there.'
>
> 22. What is dumber than a blind person with a gun?
> The idiot who handed them the gun. Where do you
> hide from a blind person with a gun? How do you
> make a noise that ain't like a rabbit?
>
> 23. Why do they call that funny little statue a
> bust when it stops right before the part of the
> body that it's named after?
>
> 24. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
>
> 25. Wonder why it is your underarms stink. Did it
> ever come in handy? Did you ever say "Well thank
> God my underarms stunk! He came out of the bushes
> and I said Get back! I've been to aerobics!"
>
> 26. Y'know, God experimented with the other
> animals before he got around to us. You ladies
> oughtta thank him for creating the cow, and
> getting that udder idea out of his head!
>
> 27. Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints
> from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted
> walls from fingerprints.
>
> 28. Why do Cowboys wear a spur on each boot? If
> one side of the horse moves, the other side goes
> with it.
>
> 29. Why are there flotation devices under plane
> seats instead of parachutes?
>
> 30. Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
>
> 31. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
>
> 32. If olive oil comes from olives, where does
> baby oil come from?
>
> 33. Why do you need a driver's license to buy
> liquor when you're not supposed to drink and
> drive?
>
> 34. I know you people, you're the smart ones.
> You're not the ones going down the freeway with a
> seatbelt hanging out the door makin' sparks.
> You're not the ones goin' over the overpass with
> the turn signal on. Where are they gonna turn? You
> almost wish they would.
>
> 35. This I before E stuff would've screwed up
> Einstein. He's got it wrong twice in his name.
>
> 36. I would like now to talk about the Japanese, a
> race of very short people who are always bending
> in half. You can't make an honest business deal
> with them because you can't look em' in the eye. I
> don't believe any group of people should be able
> to build a car they can't pronounce. I'm talking
> of course about the 'Cororra'.
>
> 37. Parents are trying to be friends with their
> kids rather than draw the line and tell them what
> proper public behavior would be.
>
> 38. What makes Teflon stick to the pan?
>
> 39. If M & M's melt in your mouth, not in your
> hand, what would they do, say... under your arms?
>
> 40. I saw a can said Pepsi Free and I said "That
> means it don't have Pepsi in it. That's a Coke."
> Hog futures; I heard that. Hogs don't have no
> future. Bacon is not a career.
>
> 41. I know what people laugh at. I know their
> vocabulary.
>
> 42. I have so much to say when I'm driving and I
> only have a horn. A horn don't say enough. A horn
> just goes, "screeeeeeeew yooooooou!" Right? I want
> a microphone. A microphone with a speaker on top,
> like the cops got. You can have 'em, too. Freedom
> of speech includes volume.
>
> 43. You listen to the world, you'll hear
> McDonald's say that eatin' there is like a
> symphony of taste. Yeah, my butt's the wind
> instrument and the fart's the whole note.
>
> 44. What can you say in America? Can I say
> Priscilla Presley has a big butt? Will I have to
> prove it in a court of law? Hey, Priscilla, you
> wanna back it on in here, huh? If she can fit in
> the witness chair we'll drop, Your Honor.
>
> 45. "Dodge" is the perfect word to put on the
> front of a van comin' at ya. If it says "Ram" on
> the side, they're after your ass.
>
> 46. I have spent my life paying attention to my
> art form, developing my art form, worrying about
> my show and what I'm bringing to people, making
> sure that I give them a fine trade.
>
> 47. You know that little indestructible black box
> that is used on planes... why can't they make the
> whole plane out of the same material?
>
> 48. Well, let me welcome myself to Texas. Where a
> man comes home and hangs his hat on his lap.
>
> 49. I like church though. Church was a reminder
> there was something worse than school.
>
> 50. Why are all the home-ec teachers divorced?
>
> 51. Before the invention of the telephone, you had
> to lie to people to their face!
>
> 52. Wonder why it is God didn't give us wheels. He
> must've known we get skates for Christmas.
>
> 53. We go to school to learn to communicate, but
> all the teachers say to us is "shut up!"
>
> 54. You know what's stupid? Skiing. You get on top
> of a slippery mountain with sleds on your feet and
> you go down... big deal. Try not to. Or, go up!
> Now that'd be a sport for ya!
>
> 55. Remember this advice... Never let your mom
> comb your hair when she's mad at your dad!
>
> 56. Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
> drives on parkways and parks on driveways?
>
> 57. Wouldn't it be great if people were the same
> in bed as they are in every day life? When Mark
> Spitz gets done, does he do a flip off the
> headboard and come back for another lap? 'Gee,
> Nadia, that was perfect! That full twisting
> dismount wasn't bad either, babe!'
>
> 58. I want you to remember, behind every
> successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.
>
> 59. See, it's frivolous, superfluous products in
> America. Like scented toilet
> paper... is the dumbest thing in the world! The
> only thing you don't have to make smell good cause
> it's gonna get fucked up. Who is that smell there
> to impress? My thumb? If you want to impress my
> thumb, make it thicker in the middle.
>
> 60. So they bother you with it, they bother you
> with it, they bother you with it. Finally you say,
> "Gimme the damn present." You open it up and it's
> dumb. Lucky for you, now you got a couple days,
> take it back to the store, get something else, so
> when your mother comes over she don't see you're
> still married to an idiot!
>
> 61. I've come here tonight to San Jose, the only
> city in this nation smart enough to put its
> airport downtown where nobody cares.
>
> 62. Do you need a pain reliever that works? Picky
> shits, ain't ya?
>
> 63. I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could
> turn up the intelligence. They got one marked
> "brightness" but it don't work, does it?
>
> 64. I wanna say something about my baby, Aimee.
> The IRS says I have to; I pay her $20,000 as a
> writer.
>
> 65. I have to say something about people, even
> when it's somebody like Michael Jackson. I have to
> say something about a little dude who runs around
> the country wearing one glove and singing "Beat
> It!"
>
> 66. I don't want to overthrow the government. I
> wanna fire 'em.
>
> 67. People don't know how to behave in public
> anymore.
I agree.